The Drowning

Today has been the most god awful day and nothing bad even happened! I had nothing to do except a TO DO LIST and I did most of it. The weather was the most over cast, cloudy, rainy, snowy, sleety weather possible. The first half of the day was filled with anxiety and a nagging feeling of guilt and the 2nd half was filled with levels of boredom so ferocious I started to burst into tears of frustration every half-hour but then couldn't even seem to do that. I couldn't even properly burst into tears. It was like this...oh I'd really like to burst into tears and moan and wail while writhing desperately on the carpet but there's not really anything to cry about i'm just stuck in the most impossible nebulous zone...half suspicious that I may be the star of a new internet sitcom....probably one of those dark and dry, existential comedies that I never really enjoy.

Around 7:30 I went down to my apartment complex's year-round heated jacuzzi (something which in this weather seemed absurd enough to springboard me out of my meloncholic-brat-hipster-whiny bitch funk) with my Magic Mic in hand (see picture above) and floated around while singing that new Nicki Minaj song along with some hot tub improv. But not even the fine art of Hot Tub Karaoke could chase away the thoughts of "Where the fuck are my friends?!" and "Do I even have any friends?!" and "Why are you quitting your day job to commit to a life of lonely freelancing? You're just going to be all miserable and crazy...you can't even handle 1 day alone without nearly drowning yourself in a jacuzzi?"

I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I thinking?!?! I don't know what I'm doing! I'm don't know what I'm doing! What the hell am I doing!!?

Let's Begin!

   Drawing:   "The Eternal Torment Of The Guilty Mind"            

Photo:"Somewhere Else"

I've decided on what my rules will be for this Blog.  I must make and post a drawing and a self-portrait 5 days a week.  I get the weekends off.  This is good because sometimes I don't enjoy the weekends because I keep thinking I should be getting stuff done instead of relaxing.  But relaxing is important.  Especially for me, I can turn into a big stress ball sometimes.  I will post extra things occasionally but 5 drawings and photos a week is the rule.  I will consider today, Monday January 31st, the beginning.  "The Great Beginning!" I say.

This weekend Roxana and I did a project together.  We worked on it for 8 hours saturday and we're still not quite done.  I will post pictures of the finished project soon.  It's going to be a gift for a little girl who's very special to both of us. 

Drawing: "One Last Try"

Photo: "Fret"

I didn't draw or post last night.  I was so tired and there was just no time and then all day today I was trying to think of how to make up for missing a day.  Consistency has always been the biggest weakness of mine.  To do something everyday, for longer than a week or so. . . It's just never happened before.  And so I say: "This time will be different!" 

And then the other me says: "What's wrong with you? Why the hell is it suddenly gonna be so different?"

"Shut up!  I don't need you anymore...saying this shit to me and making me feel bad...you big downer just go away...I'm in charge now."

So that's where we're at tonight.

To moving forward!

Day 2

The drawing is called "Mira"  and the photograph is titled "Community Meeting."

I have nothing to say about either of them right now.  I've had a hard night.  

Making this drawing was strangely emotional.

Happy Half-Birthday Mom

So I realize that it is technically the 23rd...but how this works is...I just have to get it in before I go to bed...and to me...it is still the same day that it was a few hours ago...the tomorrow i spoke of yesterday if you will.

So here it is: My drawing du jour. I call it "Empathizing With My Abusers." Followed by a self-portrait which I call "Such A Cartoon."

I've been thinking about what the rules will be. I have a huge interest at present in creating rules for myself and then forcing myself to adhere to them strictly. I've decided that I have until the end of the week to determine the exact rules of this project...the 29th that is....also known as the early morning hours of the 30th. Until then, all I know is I must make and post a drawing and a self-portrait every day.

Last weekend I bought a toy at Borders called a Magic Mic. It's turning out to be the best $4 I've ever spent. It makes an echo sound when you sing into it. It makes me feel like a 3 year old who's having a rock star fantasy about the Little Mermaid. And when that little crab crawls up to me saying that I have no business singing so boldly because I'm not very good at it at all, I just look down at my red, yellow, and blue Magic Mic and wail away.

Today I wrote a song about my garbage disposal. My cat loved it! The chorus goes like: "When the going gets tough, the tough get going, but the garbage disposal dies." Maybe someday, someone besides my cat will hear it.

Oh and by the way...this is how I do my make-up everyday. Like, every single day. It's just my life style.

My half birthday

I realized at exactly 12:00am this morning, January 21st, that I missed my own half-birthday. It was January 20th, as it has always been, and I didn't even note it until the very minute it was officially over.

I don't know what this means. This has never happened before.

I think it's a sign. A sign that things (pertaining to me) that have never happened before (again in the most self-absorbed sense possible) are about to start happening.

So I'm very excited.

Also, do you realized that the year 2011, if you just loosen the joint on the 2 where the straight horizontal line is connected and then swing it up so that it rests against the top of the 2, it spells the word DOLL. And I don't know what that means either. But I think it's very interesting and i am excited to see what the year of the DOLL will bring.

Last night I watched Julie & Julia, which is about 2 different women living at 2 different time periods, who both happen to have a name very similar to my own, jumping off the ship of what others thought was wise or possible and doing things they'd always wanted to do and having enormous success.

Amy Adams character is a failed writer working a crappy job who never finishes anything because she has ADD, and she's about to turn 30. It's not like I relate to her or anything.

She decides to cook her way through Julia Child's cook book and blog about it. She has to cook every day and she likes the idea of having something constant in her life that she does every day.

I need that too! Something to accomplish everyday. A daily ritual. So I've decided that I will make a drawing every day and a self-portrait photograph. And then I will post them to the blog and write a short message, but only about the drawing and the photograph. I will start tomorrow, January 22nd, my mother's half-birthday.

Kick The Monster

I had a mystical experience today. At work, I sorta threw my back out again in the way that's becoming all too common nowadays. Minutes after, I was sitting in a chair built for a 3 year old with my hand on my low back saying, "What do you want?"

A few minutes later it was time to wake the children up. I withdrew into that no man's land that I often seem to go to when my back is like this. I felt like I was looking at the children as if thru the wrong end of a telescope. To an onlooker it would seem as though I was sitting right next to them, distributing snack, supervising their play, applying sunscreen to their arms and legs and faces; it would have looked that way. I was defeated and disheartened, counting up the money that I've spent on chiropractic, "It's no wonder I can't afford a new guitar, camera, laptop...." Etcetera.

I took them to the playground. The other classes weren't out yet, it was just me and my class. I sat on a rubber made box containing tricycle helmets and pretended to watch them play. It's my mother's birthday today. I meant to call her at lunch time, but I didn't have enough time. I began slipping further into the despair. "What do you want?!" I asked again.

Suddenly I got a vision of a small child standing behind me and kicking me and punching me as hard as she could. "Who are you?" I asked. She kept kicking me in the back and finally screamed, "Gimme back my mommy!"

I was glad I had on my sunglasses. Something about that image, I cried without restraint for a good 5 minutes. I replayed a memory of lying in bed with my mom when I was very young. We would argue about who loved who more. I would say "I love you a whole closet full." And then she would say "Well I love you a whole house full."

And we would continue to one up each other this way until one of us said "I love you a whole Infinity full!" ...and would win the game.

Then I looked up. I saw Megan, the small blonde child just 2 weeks shy of 4-years-old. She was standing right in front of me on the bridge of the play structure. She looks like I did at her age. I called her over.

I took off the lid of the green rubber made box I was sitting on. I sat on the floor and held it up to my back. It was exactly the height of my spine. I held the lid up firmly against the ground. I instructed her to kick it as hard as she could. Then I put my finger where her shoe had hit and held the box up to my back as I sat on the ground. Exactly. It's the exact place where my low back has hurt for 5 years (L4/L5 region).

Then I had her punch the lid as hard as she could. Again, I held it to my back and again it was just as I thought. The area between my shoulders where I have almost constant pain and tension.

Next I took her over to the far corner of the playground where this would be less likely to be overheard by any parents or teachers. I positioned the lid into the dark and instructed her what to say. I couldn't have cast the part better. With perfect clarity she belts out "GIMme BACK my MOMMY!!!" and kicks the lid with such force that I nearly fell over onto her. Then she looks up at me and asks, "Why are you laughing?" But as she couldn't see my eyes through my sunglasses, she had mistaken my crying for laughing.
Now a whole line of children had formed behind her. Apparently, I had invented the greatest game in the world. So I gave the other children a turn to "kick the monster."